The hitchhikers guide to IKEA


The hitchhikers guide to surviving a trip to IKEA

IKEA. To mention the four letters is enough to make many hyperventilate. How to survive? This is the guide you have to follow to be able survive the experience leaving with only your towel.


IKEA, the Swedish furniture giant everyone knows about, but which makes many men and women tilt around the world. What is reason why IKEA makes so many to prevaricate around the bush as long as possible?

And what is it that makes some enter into survival mode as soon as they step through the blue and yellow door frame? We haven’t got the foggiest, but we recognize that that it is a fact of life.

But for those of you with flatpackophobia: We have found the solution to how to survive a day in the Swedish wilderness.

1.     Rise and shine

In order to escape the worst of the crowd – it pays dividends to enter as soon as the centre opens. All hell breaks lose at 11 am, sharp. On a side note, IKEA Norway is quite civilized compared to other uncharted areas of the world, believe it or not.

2.     Plan the expedition

Needless to say, you think. No! The biggest reason why IKEA sucks you dry as a blood-sucking vampire is because you do not laid a plan that stands up to muster when shit comes to shovel. You may go there for a dresser and “a few minor items”, but that does not suffice.

What constitutes a few minor items? That is anything Admiral Kamprad and his blue and yellow grunts place in front of you in the obstacle course. Research exactly what to buy and stick to that.

3.     Read the map

When you know what you need, you do not have to go through countless floors and areas adorned with anything ranging from scented candles to teddy bears and cutlery. Take a map reading of the IKEA universe; it is normally detailed at the entrance, thereby allowing you to find your desired items in a jiffy.

Then you do not have to consider whether to buy Christmas candles in May. Just because they are sooooo cheap.

Stay together; follow the arrows on the floor. Arrange with the rest of the group if you absolutely must stray from the straight and narrow.

4.     It’s never to late to make an about turn

Although IKEA is capable of making labyrinths in all its shopping malls, it is simply not impossible to make an about turn. Drop everything and slowly retreat. A word of warning; Do not step on children on a sugar high on your way out.

5.     Stay with the pack

If you go to IKEA together with someone, by all that is precious to you: DO NOT LOSE THEM.

Even equipped with GPS, torches and smart phones, it can take several hours before you reunite. Then you wind up to being so exhausted that you do are stranded when the centre closes. It then ends with a stay over in the bedroom department.

6.     Take a break

Apropos Bedroom Department, yeah right. If patience is at ground zero – and you feel the agoraphobia closing in – visit the bedroom department. Zoom in on the most luxurious and expensive bed, and take a power nap.

They are on display to be tested, right?

7.     Antibac everything

Where there are people, bacteria and disease flourishes. Before you leave for IKEA, you should lubricate yourself and your party with at least six layers of antibac. Surgical attire is after all still frowned upon in public.

Apply new layers every half hour and after each time you physically touch objects. If you have been even close to the children’s ball pen – fill the bathtub to the brim with chlorine 1) and stay there for 24 hours before you make contact with the outside world.

8.     Maintain your blood sugar levels

The world’s perhaps smartest idea ever was to place a restaurant with cheap food inside an IKEA department store.

Who does not know the desperation and low blood sugar levels after your better half has been considering the bed clothes for the last hour and a half? Refuel with “Kjöttbullar” (meatballs), free refill dispenser soda and Dajm cake.

You will need it before negotiating the last stage.

9.     Don’t be fooled

The yellow bag around your arm is getting heavy and you have checked of everything on your list. Now you just march straight to the checkout.

But then you pass a fantastic offer on 3,000 assorted odorous candles that all smell the same. Are you not needy of a handy 16-pack of kitchen towels? Not? How about this practical onion and apple cutter at a mere one Euro? Vanilla buns? Flatbread? Plastic Flower?

Nope. Stay Focused

10. If all else fails…

The very best trick we have up the sleeve is a six letter phrase:

© / Norway Today